Do you know the Ten Commandments? Don’t kill, don’t steal, don’t masturbate. Yes, those ten. Yet, I think today I will surprise you. Because I am pretty sure none of you have ever really read them!
In general, the Decalogue is kinda misrepresented. “You shall not commit adultery”, at least in Italy, was often translated as “do not commit acts that are impure“, as to say “do not touch yourself”. And this is kind of funny. First of all, it is matter of national pride: in Italy, adultery is the second most supported sport — after football (or soccer, as you like). Hence, instead of forbidding something so widespread as adultery, the Catholic clergy preferred introduce the concept of “masturbation” to pre-teen kids, so that now they had finally some sin to confess. Yes, because the chance that at 12 you had actually committed a murder was too low to require a weekly confession.
How often do you masturbate?
Moreover, I guess most Catholic priests loved to investigate pre-teen masturbation. But this is another story, isn’t it? (I still remember the last time, some decades ago — and I was not a teen anymore, I accessed the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation. I wanted to talk about serious things, my doubts, my lack of action to save this world. And I ended up questioned on “how many time you touched your intimate parts?” “do you touch other males?” “do you have improper contacts with girls?” — I am serious, I can give you the address of the church).
The Second Commandment
I will just write it down. Then, honestly, tell me if you have ever heard of it: “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.”
Yes, you read it right. (Don’t believe me? Get your Bible, and read: Exodus 20:1-17 and/or Deuteronomy 5:4-21). The second commandment says that it is forbidden to make any carved image. Now, enter in a Catholic church, and tell me what you see. Statues of Saints and Virgin Marys. Jesus hanging on a cross.
Holy Spirits in shapes of birds.
Statues of Virgin Marys
Well, you will tell me now, maybe it was not referring to those statues. So, let’s read on:
“You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.”
You shall not bow down to them or serve them. Now, what about devotions to the Virgin, lighting candles to the statue of Saints, bringing in procession the carved image of Mary? You are damning your descendents down to the fourth generation!
So, someone around the fifth century of the Christian Era, decided to delete this commandment (maybe some merchant interested in selling little statues for personal devotion). Or rather, to adapt to the new evolution of Christianity. Now that the faith in Jesus was the official Roman Imperial belief, Saints and Marys had to replace a multitude of pagan gods. This was when Christianity became Paganism.
Wives, donkeys and cows.
Have you been patient enough to follow me until here. So, let’s add the Math up. Removing one makes the Ten Commandments to become the Nine Commandments. Thus, to save the appearances, here comes the magic (“Deus ex-machina” — Bazinga!): they took the last Commandment and they split it in two parts.
“You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s.”
Donno if it was some feminism ante litteram, but maybe to separate the neighbor’s wife from his donkey it seemed like a good idea. Still, this Commandment in the intentions of God was just one. But mankind (or Men, I should rather say, since Women had little choice in this) decided to know better that their own deity!
You shall not boil a young goat in its mother’s milk
Yes, because it is not over yet. Once back from his hiking on the mountains, Moses found out that his faithful people were now worshiping a golden statue of a Virgin Mary (or maybe was a golden Veal? what’s the difference?). So he broke down the stone tables with the Ten Commandments, and God had to send a new set of rules.
I leave them for you to read (Exodus 34:10-28). Essentially, it says to burn down temples of other religions, it replaces the restriction on images only to those of cast metal (so, you are safe! plastic, clay, marble, terracotta statues are somehow legal) and says that “You shall not boil a young goat in its mother’s milk.” (Kinda of drama for Greeks, they love goat milk and cheese!)
Now here are the options
Now, here are the options. If you take the first set of Ten Commandments as still valid, you should go and get rid of Virgins and Saints. On the other hand be reassured that masturbation is ok.
As well as desiring the husband of your neighbor (wives are still forbidden, though!).
If instead you prefer the second set of Commandments (not ten anymore), stop eating at Greek restaurants, burn down some temple, but retain your clay or terracotta statues of Virgin Marys (images of cast metal are still forbidden, sorry for Pope Francis — his iron cross is as heinous as the golden one of former Pope Benedict XVI!)
On Mohammed’s images
By the way, if Muslims get so upset about drawings of Mohammed it is because they are more knowledgeable of the Bible than you Christian moron! If instead of believing all you hear, you would have been doing your home assignments and reading the original text, you would know by now!
(However, if I dare to post images making fun of the Christian religious symbols, but not those of disrespecting Islam, it is just because Catholics are not taking seriously the commandments. So they will not tear my house down and set fire to me. Those that follow the words of God literally, instead, would most likely not enjoy my irony and sense of humor!)
I love images
Two more photos of the girl on the cover of this post. Just because, I love images.